What's a guy without socks.
Yeah, I'm a thinker. I think like that.
If it hadn't been obvious it would have been very unclear.
They messed everything up.
I'm not having any foggy ideas.
Now lemme think without talking.
Conversation at Kara Lyn's:
Forget my name once and you'll remember it forever.
Hanukkah geld goes with anything - it's like a basic black dress.
I just figured out a couple of years ago that Santa Claus was daddy.
Mere hours after Warren and Chrysula Winegar's talk on unity, Scott B. had this bit of wisdom to offer:
Ronnie: I can't cook - that's why I'm not married.
I haven't seen it yet, but it's good.
Talking about Chinese water torture:
Veronica: I could never marry a frog prince.
Let's just talk really quickly about the history of the world.
I'm not too sexy, I'm just right sexy.
You're a freaking genius, you moron!
I'm not having fun, I'm having stress.
I wouldn't get pregnant just for a smoothie machine.
One of my fantasies is to make love with rubber gloves on.
You have to do sexual harassment.
Albino chickens - not the norm, but they do exist.
And they like me - because I'm a friendly guy.
Nude is always best.
Talking about a SCUBA regulator:
You crack me away.
The four extra voices will make us bloom into something . . . bloomy.
How can I be anything but okay?
I love it when things taste the way they smell. It's not like that with shampoo.
My pants are going to pee.
I've got chicken stuck in my foot.
Kissing, sex, same thing.
I cannot date a guy who knows more about my vagina than I do.
I don't hate anybody but sometimes I'm a little disappointed.
I hate Dominicans and I hate Jews. I'm turning into Archie Bunker.
Did you just check my blank?
If I were blind, I'd probably be able to read it.
Ronnie: I'm an old fart.
Adam: It can't be a half-assed Messiah.
On why brass instruments are transposed:
It's the same arrangement but with different words and different music.
You're like a good book I can't put down.
He was playing silent movies when they were silent.
I wonder if wool is white when it gets made or if sheep actually have phone numbers.
Ronnie: What are you wearing on your feet? Different socks?
Rich: This is the city that never sleeps.
Veronica: You're so photogenic.
I wish I had enough fingers.
Very good. Well done. Yes.
It's a good thing I'm not wearing pants.
I know. I mean, I don't know.
It's not worth being in the dirt pile.
After his grandma got up from having fallen in the snow:
It's not that I was having a bad day. It was just a bad fold.
Where have I been? On the wrong side of an inverse fold.
I may be an idiot, but I'm a real idiot.
Ronnie: I'm trying to turn over a new leaf, dear.
He's Greek. Everything is on a leaf.
Jews are the cockroaches of humanity. They refuse to go away.
On being Jewish:
I shake everything.
On the meaning of "eau de toilette":
You're gonna squish our child for two pieces of turd?
Rich: Almost everything she does reminds me of you.
I needed to hang up my pants and your boobs were in my way.
It didn't have that many suction cups so it was a little easier to eat.
I'm going to kill so many cats.
On Lisa B.:
My grandmother was a bunch of crabgrass but at least she drank.
That lemonade is like crack.
Never underestimate the power of a fairy.
I'm not efficient. I'm just driven.
After passing two Hooters in five minutes:
Ronnie: What's so funny?
Rich: Did you know that you're cute?
Ronnie (after a trans-vaginal ultrasound): Did you see the babies?
Rich: Do you want to be a firefighter when you grow up?
Rich: Come on, let's change you.
Ronnie: How much is 1 + 3?
My poop went plop.
Ronnie: It's your yellow golf ball.
Your mama's not black, Burke. You're black. She's brown.
Ronnie, getting into car: Oof.
Taking off her stethoscope:
About her princess cape:
There's only one rule about kids: Being silly.
Sophia (age 4): Mom!
Like when Scrat tried to pull his acorn out of the ice. Get it? "Ice Age" instead of "Dice Age".
Rock, paper, scissors, shoe!
You know how sometimes bubbles blow out the top of the dish soap bottle when you grasp it to pick it up? Sophia loves when that happens, but I haven't mastered the art of doing it on command. It happened today while she was eating dinner and I (obviously) was doing dishes. She was all excited to see so many cute little bubbles floating through the air in the kitchen. She still seemed to think I do it on purpose and am holding out on her, so I assured her it was only an accident.
Sophia (age 4): Why is it called "Pennsylvania"?
Referring to my sore nipple:
Sophia (age 4): My poop makes burps.
Hey, I know it's a piece of crap, but it still runs.
Telling me about the superhero movie they saw at school today:
On why she's been picking Spanish up so quickly:
To Ronnie after having a handful of chocolate chips and changing Zoe's diaper:
Admiring the pretty endpaper in a new book Aunt Alyssa gave Zoe, "Penguin's Christmas Wish"...
Tries to get a pencil out of her pencil case and everything kind of explodes out:
At least it's nice for someone that's interested in me to tell me they're bipolar from the beginning
--Todd S. -August 15, 2002
--Maria S. -September 1, 2002
--Me -September 7, 2002
--Brenda J. -September 9, 2002
--Me -September 14, 2002
--Zack J. -September 19, 2002
--Kara Lyn: I can't even pay attention to myself.
--Ronnie: How do you think we feel?
--Shaun (to Kara Lyn): She's trying to tell a story and you're trying to unzip my trousers.
-October 16, 2002
--Veronica d.C. -November 20, 2002
--Uncle Danny's friend, Dottie -November 29, 2002
--Me -December 9, 2002
Stereotypes do come in handy when you don't have time to get to know the person.
--Scott B. -December 29, 2002
Pres. Belnap: Oh, no - there are lots of other reasons.
-February 23, 2003
--Tracy G. -March 29, 2003
--Kim: Who would think of something like that?
--Alena: Apparently, the Chinese.
-April 5, 2003
Kim: You couldn't kiss him on his froggy lips?
Veronica: Over my dead and beautiful body.
-April 22, 2003
--Trevor P. -June 15, 2003
--Scott B. -June 17, 2003
--Jack D. -June 19, 2003
--Rachel H. (age 5) -August 2, 2003
--Amber S. -August 2, 2003
--Adam R. -August 24, 2003
--Jack D. -September 30, 2003
--Keith D. -December 18, 2003
--Bill A. -January 25, 2004
--Kim H. -February 28, 2004
Once you get used to it, it's much easier to breathe with it than it is to breathe underwater without it.
--Me -June 1, 2004
--Amneris P. -June 3, 2004
--David S. -June 5, 2004
--Bill A. -August 8, 2004
--Me -October 31, 2004 (very early in the early morning)
--Veronica d.C. -December 10, 2004
--Maria S. -February 27, 2005
--Bill A. -June 19, 2005
--Veronica d.C. -August 3, 2005
--Bill A. -October 1, 2005
--Archie Bunker -October 31, 2005
--Melissa V. -January 30, 2006
--Me -March 15, 2006
Kim: Go in the other room.
-June 3, 2006
Ronnie: Yeah. It's a whole ass or nothing.
-October 9, 2006
In those days before they had valves, and fingers...
--Alena H. -October 9, 2006
--John T. -October 11, 2006
--Rich B. -November 16, 2006
--Robert M. -December 13, 2006
--Rich B. -February 21, 2007
Rich: No, I got out another pair.
-April 15, 2007
Ronnie: Except for that it really does.
-May 15, 2007
Kim: You can't even see my face.
Veronica: That's why.
-October 28, 2007
--Robert M. -November 16, 2007
--Maria S. -January 16, 2008
--Alena H. -February, 17 2008
--Me -July 22, 2008
--Rich -August 2, 2009
Your butt mark is big!
--Isaac C. -January 1, 2010
--Diane A. -January 1, 2010
--Diane A. -January 1, 2010
--Rich B. -February 19, 2010
Rich: Leaf? You're going to have to turn over an entire forest.
-July 11, 2010
--Rich B. -December 31, 2010
--Rich B. -January 3, 2011
I suppose it's no worse than being short.
--Mrs. Oleson -May 12, 1980
--Robert M. -May 17, 2011
Ronnie: It's water for your personal toilet.
Rich: If that means your butthole then I've been putting it in the wrong spot.
-September 3, 2011
--Rich B. -October 22, 2011
Ronnie: Like what?
Rich: Her farts.
-December 20, 2011
--Rich B. -January 2, 2012
--Lisa B. -January 16, 2012
--Lisa B., future vet tech -July 8, 2012
When I first look at her I think she's like 42 or 43. Then I get to know her and I think she's ten.
--Haylee N. -September 12, 2012
--Rich B. -December 5, 2012
--Lisa B. -December 28, 2012
--Robert M. -May 30, 2013
--Robert M. -May 30, 2013
I didn't know there were two that close together.
--Rich B. -September 12, 2012
Sophia (age 22 months): Dada.
-October 4, 2013
Sophia (age 25 months): Yeah, I did.
-December 25, 2013
Sophia (age 34 months): Yeah. They're nice and safe in your butt.
-September 16, 2014
Sophia (age almost 3): No.
Ronnie: What do you want to be?
Sophia: I just want to be a pumpkin.
-November 4, 2014
Sophia (age 3): No, I just want to fart in my pants.
-November 22, 2014
Sophia (age 3): A lot
-November 26, 2014
--Sophia (age 3) -December 6, 2014
Sophia (age 3): It's a little squishy.
Ronnie: Lisa is a little squishy.
Sophia: No, she's not. She's my aunt.
Ronnie: She's your yellow aunt.
Sophia: No, she's not. She's a different white.
-March 25, 2015
--Sophia (age 3) -April 25, 2015
Sophia (age 3): Why did you say "Oof"?
Ronnie: Because I'm old and tired.
Sophia: Daddy's old and tired!
-June 2, 2015
I gotta take this thing off. I'm not really a doctor - I'm a human.
--Sophia (age 3) -October 23, 2015
I don't want to wear it. It's too fabulous.
--Sophia (age 3) -November 8, 2015
--Sophia (age 4) -November 26, 2015
Ronnie: Hm?
Sophia: I love you.
Ronnie: I love you, too. Did you know that?
Sophia: Yup.
Ronnie: How did you know I love you?
Sophia: Cuz I'm in your heart. And you're in my heart, too.
-June 1, 2016
--Sophia (age 4) -June 2, 2016
--Sophia (age 4) -July 1, 2016
It wasn't an accident - it was a surprise!
--Sophia (age 4) -July 1, 2016
Ronnie: Because it's named after a man named William Penn.
Sophia: But it's "Pencil-vania". Like a pencil.
Ronnie (willing to admit that was clever without even trying and too tired to explain any further): Then maybe his name was William Pencil.
-July 4, 2016
Daddy's a BMT. He can look at it.
--Sophia (age 4) -July 20, 2016
Ronnie: I don't think your poop makes burps.
Sophia (with attitude): Yeah, it pretty much does. I'm kind of a weird strange kid.
-August 27, 2016
--Guy on Arthur Ave who accused me of smashing into his car after I tapped his bumper while parking -September 4, 2016
It wasn't about Ninja Turtles because they weren't ninjas and they weren't turtles.
--Sophia (age 4) -September 15, 2016
I already knew some Spanish words when I was a baby. I sneaked them out of your brain. Hee-hee.
--Sophia (age 4) -November 14, 2016
You still smell like chocolate chips and poop.
--Sophia (age 5) -November 26, 2016
Ronnie: That's called the "endpaper".
Sophia (age 5) [genuinely confused]: Well, it's at the beginning, too?
-December 10, 2016
That went well.
[Fb version: Tonight everything kinda exploded out of Sophia's pencil case as she was trying to pull out a pencil, and she comes out with, "That went well." I think that may very well have been her first sarcastic remark. Proud mommy moment!]
--Sophia (age 5) -December 12, 2016
--Keith D.-April 15, 2018